So this is why they say high school is hard. It’s not the academics (at least for me). In fact, compared to what were hard (for me at least), the academics were a cakewalk.
This year hurt. Some of my lowest moments happened during this year…and even the highs had a bitter edge. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone.
But at the same time, I’m grateful. This year changed me. I’ve grown. I’ve stumbled toward becoming a better man, more Christ-like. It’s just… I really wished there was a way to do this with less pain…
Anyways, without further ado, let’s get into some of the things I’ve learned.
Please note that this advice may not apply to you nor may it be good advice. It’s simply a documentation of my thoughts.
Relationships
This lesson (or really my thoughts on this topic) started not during the school year but actually during the summer before then. This is a pretty meaningful story (and not to mention dear to my heart).
It started over a late-night conversation at a church retreat. Someone casually suggested, “Let’s talk about girls.” It was a lighthearted remark, but it caught me off guard. Until that moment, I’d never actually paused to think clearly about what dating meant to me. That night, surrounded by people I trust, something clicked.
We discussed. We shared our thoughts, and we had dissected mine, or what was mine. For some reason, I cried that night. I don’t exactly remember what sort of twisted view I had on dating and relationships before that fateful night (very thankful for my brothers in Christ), but I do know this now:
My current philosophy (at least as of writing this blog)
Given the following axioms:
- You want to get to know someone well before you decide to marry them (aka ask them to be your partner for life)
- We want to avoid break-ups, because those are painful
- You can’t be loving someone as a partner if you don’t even like them as a friend
With this logical framework, I hope you too can come to the same conclusion that I had: you should not “date for fun”. Of course, there should be some sense of having a relationship that’s a little closer before marriage, right?
So I was thinking, what’s the difference? What’s the difference between “just a friend” and “we’re dating?” Well, I used to think that “being friends” lets you know what the person in question is like while “dating” would be “you get to know what it’s like to live with the person.”
But I’ve decided now that’s a little too rudimentary or basic: “dating” or whatever you would like to call it, simply means a point in the relationship where you two have decided to agree on giving each other a chance, agreeing to the possibility of marriage. Break-ups should be hard, the absolute last resort (e.g. when religion or politics are in conflict), but should never need to be super sad and tragic. It could be a well-mannered, well-communicated “it’s not working out for us.”
But that is to say, it doesn’t mean you can’t go on dates. I feel like you should be able to have fun with friends, no matter the gender. An “exclusive date” at the mall or movies should be no different from you and the homies, no? As long as the intentions are clear and boundaries are set, I don’t think you should refrain from having fun before marriage. Those don’t need to exclusively be seen through the lens of “ooh he’s dating her,” as society often likes to put it.
In fact, I don’t want to call it dating (although some would say that the “agreement to the possibility of marriafge definition of dating is actually comonly known as “exclusive dating”) because that has too much existing emotional baggage. Besides, the definition changes from person to person. For example, (at least in my opinion and several others) hugging your friends should be normalized as a gesture of love but not exclusive to “oh we’re planning to get married.” I’ve had friends whom I’ve hugged and whom I did not intend to wed, man or woman.
Approach and mindset on life
tl;dr, keep your standards high, have fun, make friends, and let life keep on living. Don’t chase someone just because they seem perfect on the outside or seemingly perfect on the inside. She will come to you when time is right.
There’s one more thing regarding love I’ve learned this year. I talked about my stance on dating (or at least my view on it) in the previous section, but I did not go through my thoughts on the dating game itself. Despite traditional wisdom, “chasing people” does not work. This is especially the case for people who don’t exactly have a “lethal face card” (like your’s truly). Furthermore, you will likely be perceived as weird and desparate by most other people (at least in my experience).
If you have a crush on someone, pause. Ask yourself: do I actually know them? Do we connect as friends? Would I like them as a friend or simply hope that they would like me back the way I like them? If they were in a relationship with a different person, would you feel hurt or would you wholeheartedly cheer them on? You don’t want to poison a non-existent relationship and make things weird, going off worse than if you were just strangers.
(By the way, if I’ve said that you’re just my friend, yes you are just my friend, at least that’s my stance as of publishing this blog. I used to be like “well but I would be open to more than that” but I’ve decided that I would like to keep my standards high. I’m not desperate for love; I can—and should—learn to enjoy life without a girlfriend. I may be ready for love, but who knows? I do know that very few people in my grade in this school fit my real standards)
You don’t ever want to “try to make friends with them so maybe eventually you can ask them out”; that’s not how friends work. Your best relationships will grow eventually, albeit slowly. But that’s the way to minimize pain and risk, yet maximize fun.
For school dances, if your “ask them out” is intended to be lighthearted and fun, go for it! At this point, I feel like nobody actually asks their crush out for school dances (I doubt “asking your crush out” was the original intent of said dances in the first place), but almost always just close friends.
Communication
Beyond my lessons in my relationships, one of them largest issues for me this year was communication (or the lack of it). I mean, I’ve gotten better but it’s because of my subpar communication skills (which then impedes my ability to lead) that had led to some of the most pains for me this year.
One of the most important lessons in leadership I learned this year was this: When it comes to leading a team, you must ensure your goals align with your members. What that doesn’t mean is to force your members to think like you; in my 16 years of life, I’ve only met a single person who has shared my thoughts, vision and philosophy. This is to say that it’s very rare to find someone who will match your vision, let alone a whole team.
Leadership is a test of empathy. It’s a test of patience and resilience. I can’t give good, solid advice that I can guarantee works for everyone, especially since I am still learning in this aspect. I’m not confident that the philosophy I’ve grown regarding this even after this year of pain is “correct,” so I will not be documenting it here, publicly.
But I do know my aggressive style and fear of failure had led to me micromanaging and pushing others to the point where I’ve burned some relationships. It’s a case where my work ethic and strive for excellence has backfired on me. It had also led me to be absolutely burned out on multiple occasions. One of the main issues was that my definition of “success” and “perfect” was not well-defined nor articulated before the project, so I would get frustrated because “other people didn’t meet my standards” and would get angry at my teammates. I am thankful to have a friend who have pointed this out for me, and thus helped me see my own error.
Conclusion (for now)
This blog post is wayy overdue, and the stuff I’ve mentioned here is good enough for 80% of readers. I will try to finish part 2 soon. Thank you for reading.